There are worse things to be afraid of
by sixbynine
Summary: Remus Lupin is not afraid of much, but that is not to say he is not afraid of anything.


Lord i am supposed to be doing so many things right now...but Remus won't leave me alone!!

I semi wrote this in my head at work and it's possibly the fastest piece of writing i've ever done...not sure if that's good or bad tbh XD whatever i love it XD

i had a picture of Sirius i drew as a school kid sitting next to me looking a wee bit salacious the entire time, again may or may not have been a good thing XD

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Remus Lupin was not afraid of much, he did not startle easily or run away from difficult situations. He had taken a deep breath and looked James and Sirius square in the eye when they had dumped a 'Magical Creatures' text book on his lap, the page spread open at the werewolf section. He had explained calmly and rationally, sad at the loss of yet another good friend before preparing to walk away. He had not shaken, he had not lied, and he had only cried a little when Sirius pulled him back, called him an idiot and both of them had wrapped their arms around his neck.

He didn't jump when James hid enchanted plastic snakes in his trunk for Halloween, he hadn't screamed when Sirius had waited until close to midnight to sneak up on him in the library, hidden by James's cloak, and grab him. A lifted eyebrow was all Peter got for hiding paper spiders in his cloak.

He had not been afraid the first time he felt the full moon approaching, he had squared his shoulders and bit his bottom lip as his mother locked the basement door and waited patiently until morning. He had viewed the wreckage the morning after with only a passing curiosity as his six year old self was distracted by the candy his father was promising.

No, Remus Lupin was not afraid of much, certainly he was not afraid of the things you would expect him to be. That is not to say he is not afraid of anything, he has nightmares, dark and terrifying of a shadowy figure with yellow eyes and sharp teeth coming back to kill him for real. He worries about what will happen if he fails a test and his mother finds out, he gets scared when Sirius and James plan dangerous stunts because it strikes him deep inside to think of anything happening to them. But most of all he is scared that they will find out he has more than one secret hidden, he's scared that one day they'll wake up and realise Remus isn't _normal_, that when they sit around and rate the cute girls in the year above, Remus doesn't _care_ because Remus is far to busy admiring how Sirius looks when he laughs, how the little lines crinkle up around his mouth and his whole body shakes with pure enjoyment. He scared because sometimes he can't help himself and he just _has_ to get out of bed and watch how the moonlight falls onto Sirius's face, because even when he's asleep, the blanket tangled messily around his body and drool escaping from the corner of his mouth, Sirius is _perfect _and Remus just wants to be a part of that perfection. He's scared that he can't control it, and he's scared that Sirius will wake up because he _knows _if Sirius was to ask he wouldn't be able to _not_ tell him the truth, because he would do anything for Sirius.

He's never had friends like this before, at home everyone knew about his 'problem'; children ran away from him. At school he was far to nerdy and aloof for most kids to bother with him, and anyway he'd been warned by his mother not to get to attached, no one would like him once they found out so save yourself the heartache. Sirius and James were different though, they were loud and bright and everything he hated, they broke in and invaded his personal space and wouldn't go away. They teased him and they poked him until he _had _to react and then they had complimented him on a hex well done but could you please undo it because really, Sirius can't go to Transfiguration with green hair and purple warts.

Remus doesn't remember when he stopped being annoyed by them and started to look forward to their noise and silly fights, he doesn't remember when his-place-by-the-windowsill-away-from-everyone-else changed to his-place-by-the-fire-tucked-between-Sirius-or-James's-legs as he read a book smiling quietly while they fought above him. He doesn't remember what day it was when they found out about him, he doesn't even know what month it was, all he can remember is the solid warmth of two accepting pairs of arms as they held him and called him names while he tried to stop the tears escaping down his cheeks. This was when he truly accepted them as friends, people he could trust and rely on, this was when he _noticed_ Sirius, noticed the musky scent, and the soft hair that was really far to long and brushed his cheek, noticed the warmth and the solid feel of his chest pressed against his arm, noticed that every time he saw the boy his heart skipped a beat and his breath caught in his chest. This was when Remus Lupin learned to be afraid again. He'd never had anyone who _meant_ something to him, he'd never had people he was scared to lose; he'd never had people _to_ lose. He could cope with friends walking away in disgust when they found out he was a werewolf, he expected it, he hardened himself against it. He told himself it wasn't his fault anyway, he shouldn't blame himself for something someone else had done to him. But the way he looked at Sirius was entirely his own doing and there was no excuse and when they looked at him with disgust he would only have himself to blame.

But Sirius was too perfect and far too distracting, and no matter how he tried to stop his eyes slid over the lean frame every opportunity they got, his feet carried him towards the sleeping body whenever they felt like it and his heart refused to remain calm when Sirius slung his arm over Remus's shoulders hugging him close and ruffling his hair. He'd smile softly and pull away telling Sirius to go lean on someone else Remus was far to light to carry that hefty weight, and Sirius would huff and pretend to be offended, grinning widely the whole time and for a few brief moments it was their own little world that no one else was privy to, and for those few brief seconds it almost seemed _possible, worth it_ to tell Sirius, to wrap his arms around the boy and hold him close like he dreamed of doing.

But Remus was not impulsive, he did not make decisions on the spot, he did not do first and think later, he was not like Sirius. Maybe this explained why he was hardly surprised when he wakes to find a familiar smelling curtain of soft black hair surrounding his face, why it was Sirius who drew back sharply with a muted gasp, while Remus merely sits up sleepily and blinks in confusion. Sirius who was not meant to be here, Sirius who had cheerfully waved good bye as he followed James onto the train home for Christmas, James's home that is, Sirius never went home if he could help it.

But it's all irrelevant because Sirius has recovered, while Remus is still trying to work out where the hell he is, Sirius is crawling back over him on all fours eyeing him, he says he just couldn't leave, the further away he got the worse he felt until he knew he needed to come back here. Remus nods pretending to know what the hell Sirius is talking about, because the boy is making no sense.

Then his world stops, and he can hear his blood being pumped behind his ears, Sirius is closer now, whispering how he sees every time Remus looks at him, he notices the lingering looks and the touches that last fractions of a second to long, and for the past few months he has lain awake as Remus watches him. Remus's eyes slide shut, and he battles to stop himself crying, big boys don't cry his mothers voice reminds him, big boys don't cry. But Remus doesn't feel much like a big boy anymore, he feels like his feet have been ripped out from under him, because beautiful, perfect Sirius _knows_ and beautiful, perfect Sirius must hate him, despise him for the dirty way his mind wanders. He can feel a hand move closer and he doesn't flinch because _this,_ he knows how to take like man, pain he's used to, beating's he's used to and it hurts inside that it's Sirius doing it, but he knows to hide that pain.

Sirius laughs and _then_ Remus flinches because broomstick callused fingers are stroking his cheek, and Sirius, beautiful, perfect Sirius is laughing, _laughing_ for him, with him, _because of him,_ Remus doesn't care because the sound is precious whatever it's reason.

A soft pair of lips on his and Remus's heart starts beating again, hard, harder than it ever has before and that warm voice washes over him, telling him he's stupid for thinking Sirius could ever hurt him and calling him silly names for thinking he should even _try_ hide how he feels. Doesn't Remus know? They will love him no matter what he is, does or says, and Remus snaps. His eyes open and his arms shoot up, pressing against Sirius and pushing him, pushing him backwards until _Remus_ is poised over him, eyes dark, panting and it's a flurry of movement, frantic, vicious and rough but oh so caring, because Remus could _never_ hurt anyone, least of all Sirius.

Remus doesn't remember the lead up, doesn't remember the way he tears at Sirius's clothes nor the way his end up strewn about the room. He does remember sinking deep into Sirius, so far it felt like they were one and the same, he remembers the way Sirius called out and bit into his shoulder leaving mark he was sad to see fade. He can recall with perfect accuracy how Sirius felt, hot and heavy pressing against his stomach, how Sirius tasted, warm and salty on his tongue, how Sirius moved and sounded, how Sirius smelt and how strong arms came up to tug him down, how that husky voice urged him to go _harder, deeper, faster_ and how that wonderful body had arched up pressing into him and how it had clenched around him holding him fast, while it shuddered to exhaustion dragging him along.

He remembers how those strong arms has wrapped themselves around him and tugged a cool blanket over their sweaty bodies. He remembers Sirius asking if Remus loved him and how he had answered with perfect honesty, because it was Sirius who was asking and Remus would do _anything_ for Sirius. He remembers the sigh of contentment and the gentle jab followed by a cheeky grin and Sirius remarking it was a good job too because it sucks to be the only one in love. And he smiles, because this is Sirius all over, no matter what he makes Remus feel safe and happy, and when James comes back two weeks later to find them curled up asleep together it's Sirius who sits in front of Remus and dares James to cause a problem and it's James who raises one eyebrow and remarks that it's about bloody time as well, if he has to watch you two making moony eyes at each much longer he'd puke.

And for the second time in his life, Remus feels tears prick his eyes over something stupidly sentimental that shouldn't even affect him at all, because now he _really _knows what friends _really_ are, and he thinks all the years of worry and self doubt were worth it if it leads to this moment. When James looks at his watery eyes in concern, Peter says it's ok he cries all the time and Sirius wraps one arm around him while threatening to hex James for upsetting him with the other, and Remus feels stupid for ever worrying and ever being afraid because Remus isn't afraid of much, and really, there are worse things in the world to be afraid of.

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.... please for the love of god let me know what you think..i've never written anything like this before, i've never written in this tense or this person or.. gyah it's all new!! and i'd love to know if it worked! XD

also i realise i pretty much cut peter out of their lives..XD but i dont like the kid much ok? XD and besides i always figured him as a follower never really one to start anythig he jsut agrees with james/ so he prob wouldnt figure to heavily from this point of view anyway...


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